Internet Janitor
This will be the third time I’ve wiped my ass and found one of these films. I’m not sure if I should call a doctor or a priest. This is thankfully the final chapter of director Renny Harlin’s entirely pointless retelling of the 2008 original, written and directed by Bryan Bertino. The finale goes out with a wimper, a dull, tedious whimper. There are no surprises you didn’t see coming before you even knew the films existed. There is no wild twist at the end to try to salvage something. It’s a fart in the wind and will be remembered as such. They even butcher the famous line. Cannot even get that right
We meet back up with our heroine, Claire, after the events of the second film, which I don’t remember or care to look up. She’s still trying to either find help or get out of town. At this point, we know the police chief is in on the deal for reasons that are, well, you’ll find out. And that’s it, that’s my opening summary. There’s nothing more to say. You’re all caught up.
Who greenlit this, and did they get their family back safely?
I’ve written a variation of this before, but the original worked because, in part, it was self-contained. It was simple. It was small. The Strangers picked them for no other reason than they were home. Who were they? Who knows, and it’s better that way because greasy rednecks who kill in mass without arousing any suspicion from other locations are less entertaining than you think they are.
Though I did learn people are made of butter, and shoving a giant knife straight through them requires zero effort. So that’s something.
I get it. Absolute logic has no place in a slasher or most horror films. We should be able to sit back and live within the world we’re presented. But this is just stupid, really, stupid. You’ll get an explanation of who they all are, and it won’t matter. No one except the Sherrif played by legendary horror actor Robert Blake, has any semblance of a personality. Especially our lead. I get that she’s deep in trauma, that she’s been through a hell we cannot imagine, but her actions still make no sense.
If they were going to do it, they should have gone big. Why not? We have already seen this story. Go crazy, make them aliens, Chip and Dale’s dancers, just anything but what we got. This is a boring movie, a very boring movie with zero satisfaction in the conclusion, which comes across like they think there will be a fourth chapter.
It’s time to move on.
Don’t watch this. It’s not so bad its good. It’s just dull.
No, Tamera isn’t home. Stop asking.