Internet Janitor
First, you get Spider-Man rights, and then you want to seem like a big boy who still makes superhero movies after Marvel took over for Spider-Man. Clearly, you were unprepared, and the rest of us must suffer for it.
Go home, Sony. You’re drunk. Stop making movies.
In Madame Web, what I’m told is a “movie” (citation needed), we meet Cassandra Webb, a wooden doll brought to life from the goo left over on the set of Fifty Shades of Gray, who is a no-nonsense, humanity-hating paramedic from New York City (played by Dakota Johnson who I’m told is “alive,” but again, citation needed). After her mother died when she was young, in a jungle somewhere, looking for a magic spider whose villain (name and actor are not relevant), her life and those of three young women (names, vague backstories, marginal personalities are not relevant) lives change forever.
Do you like superhero movies but do not actually see any of those heroes in the movie itself? Well, we’d like to ask you to leave. Seriously though, aside from the villain in his Spider-Man rip-off costume and lack of motivation beyond “power” and zero personality, there’s nothing here aside from Dakota Johnson’s perpetually blank and yet still somehow confused face. Almost nothing happens, literally nothing, for the first 45 minutes of the movie, and I’d like to tell you the rest is action back, but that would be a lie.
Joking aside, this is a bad movie. It is an amateur hour on every single level: bad story, acting, special effects, and everything else. I do not understand why anyone would put money into something that I am sure they were warned not to do. There is nothing redeemable here. Usually, I can at least find one thing I like about it, but here? Nothing. We know that, for some reason, the three young girls become heroes, but as we get about 5 seconds of that here, who cares?
It’s not worth a bad movie night, and it’s not worth sitting around and making fun of it. Time is precious.
Move along. There’s nothing to see here.